men – Peaceful Reader

Christmas is over and thank heavens. The holiday is a bit of a mountain to climb; all the preparations of gifts and food, keeping everyone happy and moving in one direction, the right amount of drinks and frivolous fun balanced with close family time. I would think this would all get easier as the kids get older.

There were many parts of the holiday that I enjoyed and will savor over the course of 2018 and I plan to put a little more thought into next year’s plan. Next year I don’t want to be the one person constantly in the kitchen preparing food. We’ve always had interesting meals for holidays, we don’t tend to have a big platter of meat as the main course. This year we had two vegans to work with and it was no easy feat. As per my last post I did prepare an almost all vegan spread and they were delicious recipes. Even with a perfect spread it was still off. Next year I’m just going to have a ton of Indian food pre-prepared, ready to heat back up and served around the table.

Everyone has expectations for the day and I have a sinking feeling that somehow I was not a good cruise director. Although I think whatever plans I had made or not made wouldn’t have mattered. What is it about holidays and family gatherings that bring out the negative or at least hurt feelings? It begs the age old question “why can’t we all just get along? It takes a lot of empathy to understand trauma and depression and while I am a caring person I feel like I’m being slowly pulled down the rabbit hole. So instead I’m putting my whole spirit into ushering in 2018. Let it be a good and peaceful year.

I felt compelled to order this from the public library a few weeks ago because of a Litsy post. I’ve heard Jessica’s name and her first book, Full Frontal Feminism, before and just hadn’t picked it up to read.

Sex Object; A memoir took me by surprise. I don’t know why as the title is fairly explicit I just didn’t fully understand that I’d be reading about Jessica’s sexual escapades and yet I feel calmer having relived some of my own sexaul past through her experiences. For years I felt like there must be something wrong with me; did I have a sign taped to my back that said “abuse me/pick me”?

I’ve suffered through my own bits of harassment, stalkers, and leering overstimulated “manly” men (creeps). Jessica’s story brought that message home; every woman has her own scary tales. Her story assured me that I was not the only one. Even sharing creeper tales with friends I always felt like I won hands down. That we even have to share stories about this is ridiculous.

Not only do we deal with men’s expectations of us but we shoulder a lot of that ourselves. Many of us never feel smart enough, sexy enough, pretty enough. Expectations on whether or not we are pretty both from our own selves and the men that surround us is a universal problem and I hear from my own daughter, which truthfully, is so hard to bear. It’s like I went through this already and raised you to BE yourself, to share your opinion, to speak and you still complain that you don’t look right, your hair isn’t right, you feel awkward.

I feel like I made it through my own swamp of insecurities to get to a place where I have a job that I feel secure in, a husband who loves me no matter what, and children who are beginning to see that I am smarter than they thought. It’s also easier to be a feminist in my own head and heart, in my own home, about my own body. Jessica’s journey has been one of sounding the alarm and putting herself out there loudly speaking about gender and women’s issue for most of her adult life. That’s impressive to me. And she’s been crucified through social media posts about her opinions, what she has to say. It must mean even the haters are listening.

I would love to hear Jessica speak. The book, told in a chaotic, back and forth method, relays her past and present. It’s told in un-chronological order yet the last two chapters sort of sum up where she’s at today, happily married and the mother of a precocious daughter.

I think to be secure in ourselves is to be complacent and it’s really about just finding some bit of peace every day. You-made-it through-another-day feeling whole. I’m glad to have had a chance to think about my own past/present as I read through Jessica’s.

Tag: men

Holiday Hoopla

Sex Object by Jessica Valenti